I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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