Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
