Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
