And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
