At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
