New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
