Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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