i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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