He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
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I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
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Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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