dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i love accidental penises.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i came on her dog
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
