My girlfriend figured out who you are.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
