ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
