just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
