So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
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