I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
