Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
