thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
