go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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