she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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