I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
