Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
