Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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