I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
