Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
