he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
