I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
