It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
