please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize