Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
