I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I can't turn off my feet"
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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