it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
