ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
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you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
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He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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