home. puking in laundry basket.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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