it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
