i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
