i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
