im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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