12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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