I am midnight drunk by noon
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
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Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
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I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
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