hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
