forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
