My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
