What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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