The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I think your dad took our porno
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
