I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
