I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
