when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
