My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
