I just pynch a tree in the face
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
