If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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