so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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