we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I feel like death gave me a hand job
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He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
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I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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