by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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