so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
