I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he fucked my hip out of place.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
