saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
